A personal story about what happened when discipline did not work and why kindness is so important

I’m not proud of the way that this story starts but I am going to share it anyway because I feel there is an important lesson which might help others. So here goes…

Like many other post-lockdown children, my younger daughter has been struggling with going back to school. The fall out at home is that she has been playing up at bedtime, often resulting in her refusing to do her teeth. Children are clever and this particular stubborn refusal pushes a button within me that my daughter knows will get a reaction.

One particular evening, a few weeks ago, my daughter had truly dug her heels in. I was furious and felt totally helpless. Screens had already been banned and hidden away, in the hope that the ban would encourage the detested teeth brushing, but it seemed to have had no effect at all. It was then, in pure desperation, I stooped to a new low. In a fury, I picked up the favourite teddy and put it out of reach with the banned screens.

The effect was as impressive as setting off a firework! My daughter flew into the bathroom in a rage and locked the door. I was tearful and angry with myself. I didn’t know where else to turn. Then a penny dropped… I am not a Victorian school master who punishes behaviour without consideration for the underlying cause. Quietly, I retrieved the hidden teddy and sat him on the floor outside the bathroom. I calmly told my daughter that her favourite bear was missing her and wanted her back.

Like magic, the door opened and the treasured teddy was snatched up as my little girl ran into her room to snuggle into bed. I went and sat on her bed and told her that I realised I might have got my parenting wrong and I appealed for her help. I asked her what had not worked and she replied “taking things away”. I asked her what had worked and she replied “kindness”.

It was a lightbulb moment for us both. I told her that we all need kindness and it is not just about being kind to each other. I explained that the kindness needs to start with us being kind to ourselves… and she needed to be kind to herself. I asked her one more time if she would like to do her teeth and go to sleep. To my amazement, without hesitation or protest she did both.

By sharing this story I’m not saying that we should unquestioningly accept bad behaviour. Instead, I had a conversation with my daughter about behaviour and boundaries and we agreed that she is a good child and kindness wins. My moral of the story is that punishment might push you apart but kindness should bring you together.

Christmas can be a stressful time of year. When I struggle with the tricky world of solo-parenting, these are some of the things that I am going to keep in my mind:

As much as we might want to, we can't fix all our kids’ problems.
Instead, the answer is inside them… so they need to be the one to find it.
Manipulation and threats might drive you apart and they risk be copied by our kids!
Kindness and empathy work but they take patience and compassion.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”
Dalai Lama