Coping as a Widow – The Early Days

When I became a widow, I learnt that the death of a loved one can feel like an insurmountable hurdle.  I had no idea how I would cope with the grief and loss, or what I would think or feel during the bereavement after my husband’s death from cancer at the age of only 38.

Finding myself looking after two young, grieving children and our two dogs, as well as coping with my own grief and emotions, I learnt that we all grieve differently. In this occasional series on ‘Coping as a Widow’ I want to share some tips for dealing with grief and bereavement in the early days.

Initial feelings of shock and heart-break

One thing that stunned me, especially as my husband had been living with his terminal illness for a couple of years, was the shock and heart-break that I felt after he died, even though his death was no surprise.  When the day we had dreaded finally happened, I found the shock all consuming.  On top of the numbness, I felt truly heartbroken.  I had no idea that the feeling of a broken heart could be physical as well as mental.  

I now realise that the shock I was feeling was useful protection.  The numbness that descended stopped me from being overwhelmed by the confusing and all-consuming emotions of the death of my husband, soulmate, lover, best-friend and the father to my children.

Practical focus

In the disturbing space that your loved one leaves behind after their death, I now know that it is common not to know what to do with yourself, especially if you have dedicated years to caring for them.  As a Probate lawyer, I was shocked when people called me only hours after a person had died to deal with the practicalities of the estate.  I could not understand why their bereaved minds were thinking about administering the estate when the death had only just happened.

It took going through the process myself for me to understand that having a practical focus created a welcome distraction and satisfied a need for some direction. In the void that had appeared, I was totally unable to process my feelings, and I found it useful to have a list of things to focus on, giving me time to adjust to the huge life change that had occurred. 

Here are some of the things I used to distract me. All were important and needed doing, but, looking back they helped me to keep putting one step in front of the other and to allow time to provide some clarity from the mess in my head.

1. Clearing the room at the hospice

2. Telling people about the death

3. Obtaining the medical certificate and registering the death

4. Organising the funeral

5. Looking after the children and dogs.

It surprised me that the one thing I threw myself into was organising the funeral.  It was as if the funeral service and the wake were testimony of how much I loved my husband.  I wanted to do everything I could to make the day go as well as possible. 

What I did not appreciate in those early days was how many decisions I was making that were snap decisions, some of which were literally cast in stone. For example, the choice of what coffin I picked was literally a spur of the moment response, the brochure of possibilities was overwhelming and I simply responded that my husband liked oak trees!

Emma’s thoughts…

Here are some things I learnt that helped me and may help you too:

• Acknowledge your grief: become aware of both the physical and emotional pain of your broken heart and try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.

• Lean on other people: it may not be in your nature, but people want to help you. Letting them do things for you not only helps you but does them a favour by giving them a focus too.

• Get help with the tricky things: if friends have skills that are relevant, ask for help with things like telling people about the death, dealing with Probate and arranging the funeral.

• There is no rule book: just surviving is good enough.  What has happened is heart-breaking and you must do what you need to do to get through it.

• Routines make life easier: try to eat three meals a day, drink plenty of fluids (especially if you are in a crying phase) and get outside each day.

• Find your focus: whether it is something practical like arranging the funeral, sorting out Probate, planning a charity event, or merely getting up and eating three meals a day. Give yourself little goals that work for you.

• Talk about your loved one: I still love to talk about my husband and I welcome it when people bring up memories of fun times we had together.

We all grieve differently – how you manage your own grief is right for you.

 Do you want to have your ducks in a row to make things easier for your loved ones? Check out my Sadmin Adulting course below