“In A Good Place” to die – an interview with BBC Radio
This year’s Dying Matters Awareness week campaign focused on the importance of being “In A Good Place” to die. Despite no longer practicing law, nor preparing Wills, Powers of Attorney or dealing with Probate, I have remained a National Director for Solicitors for the Elderly. Knowing that I am happy to share my personal story of my late husband’s death in 2016, SFE arranged for me to speak to Simon Parkin on BBC Radio Somerset at the end of May’s Dying Matters Awareness week. We spoke about why it is important to talk about death and dying (a link is at the bottom of the article).
Ironically, the BBC Radio interview went live the same morning that I was laying a wreath for the Royal British Legion on behalf of military widows, and my blog about that experience can be found at: https://www.rainbowhunting.co.uk/blg/representing-war-widows.
The Dying Matters campaign focused on five themes which are:
Physically (place of death)
Emotionally (talking about death and feelings)
Financially (making a Will and sorting funeral plans)
Spiritually (what death means for different faith groups)
Digitally (social media, digital assets etc)
In the BBC interview Simon Parkin and I discussed these themes, what being “In A Good Place” to die means to people and I explained how I think is different for each of us.
Having been an end-of-life solicitor and knowing that my husband did a potentially dangerous job in the military, I thought that we had spoken more than most people our age about death and dying. For example, we updated our Wills, I had learnt the details for a military funeral and we even mentioned his wishes for my life after he had gone. However, after he died, I realised that there were still many things that we never spoke about, and initially the one that upset me the most was how he would die.
It is important to establish which of the five themes above are most important to you and then to communicate that to loved ones. I am passionate about these conversations because I believe that it would have helped me now if I had been more open about dying whilst my husband was alive. My legal job showed me that people often need a catalyst to do a Will (eg: a big trip, a diagnosis or a close death). The recent pandemic has brought death into the public’s radar, and the popularity of books written by palliative care doctors’ evidences that there is a need for the end-of-life conversation.
The take away messages from my interview are:
Grief is Unique – Just like snowflakes and fingerprints, we are all different, our relationships are different and our grief is different. There is no right way to experience grief and no set path, the path that is right for you is the one that is necessary for you to walk down.
Trust the process – I had days when I felt as though I was wading through treacle. I felt overwhelmingly lonely, but I learnt that I needed to trust the process and my body needed to feel sad and lonely. If I put a lid on my emotions then they sometimes went boom at unexpected moments. In contrast, if I dealt with the waves of emotions as they cropped up, I found that I could process them better.
Be Prepared – It can be tricky to talk about death but it can help loved ones when you die and after you have gone if they understand your wishes.
You are not alone – I knew that I was not alone, but at times I felt cripplingly lonely. However, there are people and organisations who can help, and it is important to be brave and to reach out to them. For a list of organisations who can help with grief please see my Resources page: https://www.rainbowhunting.co.uk/resources.
It was a huge challenge to get through losing my husband, and I was shocked to discover the depth of the feelings that surfaced. I had never anticipated that I would physically feel heartbroken. However, I believe that the more prepared we are for death, the greater the chances are that our loved ones will find life easier once we have gone.
To listen to my explanation of why I called this website ‘Rainbow Hunting’ and a conversation about how my husband’s death changed my future please listen to the interview here at 2:48:47: s://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p09gp80w.