It is natural to want to help and support someone who is grieving, but whether we’ve experienced grief or not, so often we can be lost for words.

In America, the NACG states that an alarming 1 in 12 children, or approximately 6 million children, in the United States will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18 years old. As part of Children’s Grief Awareness Week the American organisation National Alliance for Children’s Grief and partners have created the #FlipTheScript campaign. The purpose of the “Flip the Script” campaign is to shift people’s perspective around the way grief conversations are typically handled and to encourage them to change their words to better support children who are grieving.

Many of the traditional expressions of sympathy can be unhelpful and sometimes hurtful to those who they are meant to comfort. By sharing these traditional scripts and suggesting new replacement “Flip the Script” examples, it is hoped that people will be encouraged to have more meaningful conversations with those who have experienced grief. All the information about the campaign, the graphics and the scripts can be found here - https://nacg.org/flipthescript/.

Words matter - #FliptheScript!

While your intentions may be sincere, the choice of your words can make a significant difference as to whether you are supportive of someone in their grief or not. When speaking to bereaved adults and children, it is important to remember that (even if you are close friends or family) you do not know everything about them, so it is important not to presume. Making small shifts in your language will hopefully provide better support for grieving people going through a tough time and it will hopefully create less potential for hurting the bereaved person.

Many of the things we say when we are trying to comfort someone who is grieving can be well-intentioned but also distancing. Often people wish that they could find the right words, but when they can’t it can mean that the topic is avoided all together. Below are some of the less helpful traditional phrases that people have said, as well as the replacement more compassionate scripts. Please note that these are not my amazing suggestions, they are all taken from the NACG website and you can find full details of them here(https://nacg.org/flipthescript/):

Instead of “The holidays must be so hard for you.”
It is not helpful to presume how someone else is feeling, it is more respectful to ask the bereaved adult or child how it is for them… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “I’m so happy to see you. I know sometimes the holidays can be hard after someone dies.”

Instead of “I’m sorry for your loss.”
This phrase, although well-intentioned, can make a bereaved adult or child feel isolated at a moment when they may need connection. Your support can be more meaningful if you acknowledge the pain and focus on the griever’s own experience… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “I know there are no words to make it better. Just know that I’m here and want to support you however I can.”

Instead of “I completely get what you’re going through,”
Relating things to your own experience before gaining a true understanding of what is happening can lead to a presumption that you know how they feel and hence risk minimising the bereaved adult or child’s own unique perspective… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “Grief is different for everyone. What has it been like for you?”
Instead of “Shouldn’t you be over grieving by now? The death happened a while ago.”
Grief is unique, so presuming how someone thinks or feels might leave them feeling that they are not grieving “normally”, when the truth is that grief is messy and complicated and it does not follow any expected pattern… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “How is your grief feeling right now?”
Instead of “You need to be strong.”
Telling someone this may carry an inference that they are weak. The bereaved adult or child is most likely feeling normal grief vulnerable emotions after the death of their person… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “You might feel like you need to be strong, but you don’t have to be with me.”
Instead of “I heard your [person] died. I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing okay.”
The chances are that the adult or child does not feel okay now that their person has died. By offering a space for someone to talk openly and honestly about their grief means that the bereaved adult or child knows that you are there to talk to when they are ready… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “I want you to know you can talk to me about this if you want to. I care about you and want to support you.”
Instead of “How are you?”
Sometimes we don’t know how we are feeling, yet it can be nice to know that people are thinking of us and reaching out in a compassionate way that links to a specific day or moment can help bereaved adult and children to feel connected and less alone… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “I have been thinking about you. I wanted to check in and see how you were doing today.”
Instead of “Your [person] wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
Saying a bereaved adult or child’s sadness would disappoint the person who died can result in that bereaved individual hiding their feelings, and speaking on behalf of a deceased can be hurtful and presumptive. It is normal to be sad when someone dies and emotions, including strong emotions, are part of the grief experience and they cannot be processed unless they bubble to the surface and are felt… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “It is okay that you are feeling sad. We can talk about it if you want.”
Instead of “You must be so sad and really miss your person.”
As mentioned, we cannot presume what adults or children are feeling after a death. However, being able to express some of these emotions in a safe supported space can provide huge comfort to the bereaved… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I want to listen if you want to share.”
Instead of “I bet this time of year is hard for you.”
As has been mentioned, it’s usually not helpful to assume how people are feeling but it is possible to support a bereaved person or child by normalising emotions and shifting the focus onto their experience… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “Holidays can be hard after someone dies. How are you feeling about [holiday, anniversary, birthday]?”
Instead of “They’re in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason,” or “At least they’re no longer in pain.”
Whether a death was a surprise or not, it is often a huge shock. Instead of trying to cheer up the grieving adult or child, more meaningful support can be provided by validating the bereaved adult or child’s feelings and letting them know you are there to support them… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “When people die, they can leave a space in our life. What’s something that’s comforting right now?”
Instead of “Tell me how they died.”
Asking questions about the details of how someone died can cause hurt for the griever, who may not want to re-live the experience. However, often bereaved people want to talk about their person, so if you focus on the bereaved person and less on the death itself you provide space for the bereaved adult or child to share what is comfortable for them… so #FlipTheScript and try:
→ “Tell me about them.”

In the UK, in 2015 the Childhood Bereavement Network (https://childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk) and Grief Encounter (https://www.griefencounter.org.uk) initiated Children’s Grief Awareness Week, which takes place in November each year as a way to recognise and raise awareness of the bereavement experiences of children and young people. It is a chance for people to be more mindful and aware of the impact bereavement can have on children and young people.

Although the above scripts were designed by the NACG with children in mind, they apply to bereavements of all ages. It is hoped that use of the above new replacement scripts will enable people to better support both adults and children who have been bereaved. For more details about the campaign click here: #FlipTheScript.