Do platitudes such as “time heals all wounds” trouble you? Do you want to stay close to the person who has died? Do you dislike the concept of moving away from the loss of your loved one? This model might help…

Tonkin’s model

*Four images of how grief impacts on life of the bereaved*

In 1996 grief counsellor Dr Lois Tonkin wrote an article explaining a new model of grief after talking to clients who were moving forwards with their life but still experiencing the pain of grief as intensely as ever. Tonkin had been struggling with the traditional theories of grief that made reference to “stages” and some kind of “resolution” until the pivotal moment when she heard a woman in an Elizabeth Kübler-Ross workshop describing the grief from the death of her child who had died some years before. This woman explained how initially the grief filled every part of her life, awake and asleep. She depicted this by drawing a circle and shading in grey to depict the grief, which entirely coloured the circle. The grief was all consuming and it filled her whole life (depicted by the grey circle at 1 in this image).

The client, like many people, had imagined that over time her life would stay the same size but her grief would shrink and become a smaller part in her life. She depicted this by drawing a circle with a second, smaller circle within it shaded to illustrate the grief becoming a more manageable part of her life (2 in the image) but she said this had not been her experience. The woman explained that her grief had not changed or shrunk, instead the grief remained the same and her life had begun to grow around it. She drew a third image with the grief the same size at it had been at the outset when it filled all her waking and sleeping hours, but it had a larger circle around it, illustrating how her life had grown around the grief (3 in the image).

Other interpretations

The woman explained that there were times, such as anniversaries, and other triggers that reminded her of her grief and, in those times, she operated out of the shaded circle of grief and the pain felt just as intense as it had been, but at other times she was able to experience life outside her grief. Another way of illustrating this is to imagine that the outer circle is instead a wiggly line that at times moves closer to the grief, illustrating how we may feel the grief as intensely as when our loved one first died, but at other times it can feel we live life away from the grief. Some have said this last depiction (4 in the image) looks like a fried egg!

Other interpretations of Tonkin’s model have shown the grief as a circle moving around in a box with a pain button or in jars like the picture here. The image of jars brings to mind a concept of space that exists around the grief. Cruse, the UK bereavement charity, depicted grief inside a plant pot (similar to the jars) but the grief is like a bulb or root in the plant pot and it grows with the plant over time.

“Moving forwards” not “moving on”

Pain and loss are uncomfortable and we might be encouraged to “move on” but that indicates leaving the deceased behind. Whichever version of Tonkin’s model resonates with you, it explains why many years later we can have dark days and it provides hope of a future life with meaning and depth. It is not disloyal to the person who has died to grow a new life and it is okay for pain and joy to co-exist. Those we have loved and lost can remain present for us and be a part of us as the world keeps spinning.

If you want to hear more about moving forwards not moving on, listen to the inspirational, heart-breaking and at times amusing Ted Talk by Nora McInerny.

Emma’s thoughts:

People might mistakenly think that grief shrinks over time: in reality the grief may stay the same size but slowly life begins to grow bigger around the grief.

Try to talk about moving “forwards” instead of “moving on”: the notion of moving on from a loved one can be distressing as it indicates leaving something behind.

It’s only a model: there is no right or wrong way to grieve and your way is the right way for you, so if this does not resonate with you that’s ok too.

Reach out if you need support: If you are finding grief overwhelming our Directory has details of organisations such as Cruse who can provide bereavement support.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love.
It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot.
All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes,
the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest.
Grief is just love with no place to go.”
- Jamie Anderson, author of Dr Who -