In one of my regular weekly emails (which is sent out to all those who have done my free quiz) I wrote a few words about the feelings that came up for me this year and I asked whether I was the only one who shed a tear on Mother’s Day?

I’m not sure whether, now that I’m over six years into this widowhood journey, I’m getting better at sitting back and observing my own emotions, or whether it’s because I now have teenagers… so sometimes I manage a warm cup of milky coffee first thing when all except the dog and I are still peacefully sleeping!

Anyhow, what I realised was that in previous years the main feelings have been anger on Mother’s Day. This is because it seems so unfair that my children were only 6 and 8 years old when their devoted daddy died, heartbreakingly they are coming to realise that, other than what they get told in stories or see in photos, they can barely remember him. It’s made me so cross that that such a handsome, clever and inspirational guy, who was a truly devoted father, died so young at only 38 years old.

Selfishly, I have to confess to feeling angry that our girls have no one in the house to help them organise things for Mother’s Day, my birthday, Christmas etc. But I’m sure that this is the same for many children who muddle their way through various key dates in the year and who are forced to learn from their mistakes & from observing the world around them. Fortunately, over the years some wonderfully kind family, friends and others have helped my girls to make cards and sort out presents. But, it didn’t stop the strong frustrated emotions bubbling away inside me…

Historically, what then happened for me was that (despite my best efforts to hide my feelings) I got snappy & moody with the very kids who were trying their best in difficult circumstances. Then I would feel guilt and shame that I was short tempered with exactly the people who needed my compassion & love the most.

I always say to clients that anger is an easy go-to emotion, which often hides far more difficult, painful & real emotions...

So, this year when I felt the first stirrings of anger, I hit pause to see if I could work out what was going on behind it...

Instead of shutting down and disassociating from the feelings that I learnt in childhood to push into a metaphorical Pandora’s box, this year over my milky latte I connected to the real pain… and then the penny dropped, I realised what I was feeling was grief… it was the pain of loss that in previous years has felt too raw to connect with.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely felt the anger first!

But, when I realised what was happening, and took the time to reflect on what was really going on, it dawned on me that I am still grieving the fact that our children's dad is not here to guide them through what should be a happy family day. When I think about it, this makes perfect sense… because our grief does not shrink or disappear, instead over time we learn to live and expand our life around that sadness and look back on things as happy memories.

So, instead of snapping I told my girls what was going on for me… that behind my cross words was actually sadness. I cried (a lot!) in front of them… more than once! For our children don’t do what we say… they do what we do and it’s important to model to them how to cope with big emotions.

I also wrote a little love note to my girls:

"What you have been through is tragically sad, life is so far from perfect but…
“I love you more than words…
“I love you when you are grumpy…
“I love you when you are sad…
“I love you when you make me smile…
“I love you when you make me mad!
“I love you to the moon and stars and back… just the way you are… thank you for being so awesomely you!”

I try hard to make sure that my girls know that I love them notwithstanding all the things that drive me mad about them too! Since my husband died, some of the things I remember fondly (and almost miss) are the things that used to make me crazy... the wet towel he used to put on the end of the bed to "dry"?! The endless shoes thrown off and left where they landed, so that people tripped over them! And the bikes he would bring into the kitchen to clean… putting oil and marks around in the process!

Out of darkness we can find the light… and one of the things that’s lit me up is being able to help others. As anyone who follows me will know, becoming a widow has given me a passion to help others Sort their S*** Out! I’m super excited to have set in stone the completely FREE Will Challenge as a thing I’ll do just a couple of times a year!!

It doesn't matter if you've done the challenge before or not... If you have your head in the sand... maybe you don't know where your Will is... or perhaps you know where it is but know it's out of date!! Or maybe you don't have a Will at all and you get that horrible sick feeling in your stomach every time you go away... Perhaps you thought about the last challenge but didn't get it finished... let's do this together!!!

In just four days (three days of challenge and one day where there's a Q&A session)... I'll take you from Will-avoidance to having a checklist Will planner which contains everything I wish that people had given me when they instructed me to prepare their Wills... and I'll help you out with all your questions along the way, including who to instruct and how much it should cost.

So, if you need to sort your Will, register your interest now & read more details here.

And, in the meantime, if you are struggling with those big emotions, don’t forget that I also have just a couple of One-to-One sessions each month to help others navigate the storms of life.