The triggers for the bereaved are many and varied, partly because each loved one who dies is unique, each relationship is unique and therefore each set of grief emotions is unique. However, there are common dates which some bereaved individuals might struggle with more than others. These include birthdays, religious festivals, anniversaries and specific days of the year that relate to the relationship with the deceased, such as Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Remembrance Day and Valentine’s Day.

Within our family it is interesting to see which days are important to each of us. As a military widow I find Remembrance Sunday particularly emotional which is odd because it is a day that my late husband gifted to himself to think of his comrades who had been killed or injured. My children, however, find their father’s birthday difficult and they struggle with the concept of whether to celebrate when their Daddy is no longer with us. Another day of festivities is Christmas Day, and for us it is a day where we have had to learn that pain and joy can coexist together. On each of these days we have slowly started to find our own way of remembering the inspirational man who died far too young.

Sometimes the commercial days, such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and, the one I struggle with the most, Valentine’s Day, can be the hardest. This is ironic as my late husband was initially not very good at doing anything on these days, until he learnt exactly what I wanted! After he died I used to get confused on Mother’s Day – desperately wanting to be spoilt by the girls but having to remind myself that our girls are only young and they need help to know what to do.

Over the years I have learnt a lot and found my own way of coping with key dates. I welcome the tears and sadness on Remembrance day, allowing rivers to run down my cheeks on a day when tears and wallowing in loss seems more socially acceptable. On Valentine’s Day I spoil myself, treating myself with flowers, chocolates and some TLC. Then at Christmas, his birthday and other key dates I always ask the girls what they want to do to remember their father and we plan our memorials and events together.

Here are my top tips for coping with triggering events:

1. Grief is often unexpected – we can go into a date prepared for the worst and find that we manage it far better than we expected, conversely, we can think we will be fine only to discover that we are hit by a totally unexpected wave of emotion.

2. The build-up is often worse than the event – so often I have found that making huge deal of certain dates has meant that the lead up to them becomes worse than the actual dates themselves.

3. Loneliness makes things worse – us humans are social creatures and, although the thought of spending time with others may be difficult, it may be the least-worst option.

4. Lean on friends and family – people want to help and are happy to sit in silence if that is what you want but they cannot help if they do not know that you need their support, so communication is vital.

5. “Cope ugly” – Grief is messy and it does not need to be made pretty. I have found that my body often knows what it needs. So, find a safe place to let your feelings out and don’t be afraid to let yourself cry, wail or scream.

6. Self-care retreats can help – Being run down can magnify grief. It is okay to take the day off, stay at home and do what you need, such as: yoga, journaling, meditation, walks outside, healthy meals and lots of TLC (tender loving care).

7. A problem shared is a problem halved – if you don’t feel your friends and family “get” you, try connecting with a bereavement group that relates to your situation, such as WAY (Widowed and Young), SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide), Samaritans, Mind or a local hospice.

8. Business as usual is okay too – We all cope with things differently and it is totally okay not to celebrate or mark a day at all. However, just in case an unexpected wave of grief hits you, make sure that you are aware of your own coping strategies.

Be kind to yourself!
It is natural to revisit grief on anniversaries and key dates, but it can be challenging to weather all the commercial reminders.