The lessons we learnt about having family pets and how we coped with their deaths

Do you live in a family where children are up late at night, addicted to screens and bickering? That was my home atmosphere before lockdown! As a widow and a solo parent, I was struggling to inject joy into our world because something more than my late husband was missing. We had dogs before we had children but sadly they had died of old age within a couple of years of my husband’s death. Knowing the bond we make with our pets is strong, just after my husband died I was persuaded by pleading children to buy hamsters but it turned out they liked to bite little fingers, so the children quickly lost interest in them. We then adopted two adorable guinea pigs but they had to be cleaned out each week so one daughter quickly lost interest. It wasn’t until the first lockdown was announced that our family dynamics changed for the better … whilst everyone else panic purchased toilet paper, I bought a puppy!

The power of pets
Our little family had been heartbroken when our old dogs died and I wanted us to have proper time to grieve because they felt irreplaceable. Yet, when I picked up our small white bundle of Malshipoo fluff at the beginning of 2020, I was reminded of the pure joy of having a dog in the house again. Despite the sleepless nights and the frustrating toilet training, our tiny pup has been an amazing lesson in responsibility, trust, companionship, respect and patience. In return the children have had a lot to offer the dog, who was immediately a best mate through high-energy play and cuddles. In a time where most people were struggling with the forced isolation at home, having a dog gave our days routine and forced us out into nature for daily exercise regardless of the weather. Our furry companion is now fully grown but still not much bigger than a cat and she has brought pure joy and unconditional love into our home.

Grieving the loss of a pet
We are often reminded when purchasing pets that we need to consider their permeance and how they fit into our world, however, the reality is that they sadly have shorter lives than us, making our time together scared. For those lucky enough not to have experienced the death of a family member or friend, family pets are often the first bereavement in a child’s life. Our hamsters and guinea pigs only lived a couple of years and they taught me that how we introduce our children to the death of an animal can set the tone for dealing with future loss. Therefore it should not be hidden under the carpet and instead spoken about in a gentle and honest way that the children can understand. Death is a natural part of life and making excuses for the pet’s disappearance in the hope of protecting feelings is likely to lead to confusion later in life when you have to explain why you did not tell them the truth and why they were not able to grieve the loss of their much-loved animal.

Being a bereaved family, we were forced to learn about grief after the death of my husband but I feel it is important that adults both share their own pain and sadness, as well as respecting our children’s need to find their own way to express their emotions about their loss, through crying, talking, art or ritual. All too often in our busy society there is a temptation to “move on” away from painful emotions but instead gentle acknowledgement and understanding about the pain and sadness is beneficial and helps the children to feel understood. Closure is also important after the death of a pet and some children might find it helpful to create a small ceremony, memorial or memory book with photos and stories. Our hamsters were buried in the garden but, our guinea pigs and dogs were cremated and we scattered their ashes on my late husband’s grave, creating a moment to reflect and to say our goodbyes.

Scaling up in size!
Most people stop at dogs and cats but my biggest animal success has been organising a horse and pony for my girls. It is a huge investment in time and money resulting in the financial need to cancel other luxuries such as holidays. Nevertheless, this additional source of loyal and unconditional love has done wonders for us all. We wake at 6am every school-day morning to feed, muck out and groom. No matter how the day has been, spending time at the stables in the evenings helps our family unit to bond and grow stronger together. We frequently fall into a time vortex, meaning that amongst the hectic pace of modern life we slow down away from screens and through all our pets I have discovered new communities and friends. Most of all our pets have helped our grieving and broken family to find fun and joy again, something that I will be eternally grateful for.

Emma’s thoughts…

Some important things to remember about owning pets:

Pick a pet that suits your lifestyle: fish, reptiles and other small animals such as hamsters require less playtime and maintenance than a cats, dogs and horses.

Think about what you will do when you are on holiday: although a dog might be able to go with you, if you travel lots, consider a pet that can be left under someone else’s care with minimal issues.

Consider how much time you have to give: if you choose an animal that needs lots of exercise, such as a dog or horse, ensure you have the time available for that.

Insure your pets: Vets fees are not just one-off accidents or injuries, insurance can cover ongoing treatments for long-term conditions, complementary therapies, costs of locating missing pets, holiday cancellation compensation and public liability cover, in case your animal causes an accident.

It is normal for the death of a pet to be overwhelming: losing a pet can be as heart-breaking as the death of a friend or family member so take care of yourself and reach for support through talking to friends or family, support groups or therapy.