Two days of Remembrance

Wednesday morning this week started in the usual Team Gray fashion… with an early morning visit to the stables to turn out, feed and muck out our two grey horses, which was followed by walking our little dog in the drizzle, with damp autumn leaves squidging under our feet. I love these everyday events, it is my headspace time and that day they were my self-regulating moments before a busy trip to the Big Smoke!

Back inside our home, Lola jumped onto my bed as I showered and got ready to leave… smelling of wet dog and putting muddy paw-marks onto my bed sheets for a dose of reality! For me, anxiety always descends in the run up to busy times like this. So, I purposefully dressed in a motivational t-shirt telling me to “Be Brave, Be Strong, Be You”. I hung a family necklace around my neck and clipped the Royal Marine Globe & Laurel poppy badge onto my coat collar. In typical neuro-spicy fashion, I had stacked my schedule super full, made more hectic by a last minute invite to the opening of the Field of Remembrance at Westminster Abbey but, despite some internal turmoil, I was determined to keep a calm and positive mindset as I left damp Somerset.

My kind parents dropped me at the local train station, and as the train moved towards London, the countryside flew past super quick. I was soon making my way to my hotel room, where I suddenly felt very alone. One part of me absolutely loves social events because, once the buzz sets in, I usually get a huge natural high… a hit of a mix of oxytocin and dopamine from seeing friendly faces, making connections with new people and having fun. However, the other part of me has huge social anxiety about whether I’ll be wearing the right clothes, I struggle not to be drawn to what it will feel like walking into the room dressed in black and feeling like a lonely widow. Social media so often shares the glitz, glamour and awards, but it’s more rare that we are allowed into the inner world of worries, fears and “what ifs”. Having a word with myself, I did what I advise clients to do… first I reminded myself what needed to be done and then I took action. After a quick paranoid check of the hotel bed for bed bugs (that’s a widow story for another day!), I got on with washing and changing for the big night.

Attending the Royal Marine Guildhall charity dinner

Nothing in life runs smoothly and although the hotel called me a taxi… after 15 minutes of waiting they told me that their calling system wasn’t working… now running really late, I took of my sparkly silver high heels, pulled the emergency flip flops from my handbag and headed out into the street to hail a black cab. I arrived at the Guildhall as the beating retreat were walking off the parade ground. Determined not to be upset by the small things, and grateful that being late didn’t give me time for worries, I got signed in, put my cozy black shawl in the cloakroom and headed into the impressive Grade I listed beautiful building. Joining the champagne reception, the air felt alive with chat, the Royal Marines were in their mess dress red jackets and the guests were in smart black tie. As we sat down to dinner it was the little touches that made me smile… the beautiful Royal British Legion poppy pin badge nestled into a gold napkin, together with an RMA Charity pen and a card reminding us on one side of all of the Commando Mindset:

Courage: get out front and do what’s right
Determination: never give up
Unselfishness: oppo first, team second, self last
Cheerfulness: make humour the heart of morale

And, on the other side of the card was set out the Royal Marine Commando Values which are good morals for us all to live by:

Excellence: Strive to improve and inspire
Integrity: Be honest with yourself and others
Self-discipline: Challenge yourself, resist the easy option
Humility: Be modest and respect others

I had read out these Commando Mindset and Values in my eulogy at my late husband’s funeral and I have his card, which I moved from his wallet to mine after he died. The Royal Marines pride themselves on being the first to understand, adapt and overcome, but there are many Royal Marines and their families who are fighting silent battles today that they cannot win alone. The RMA Charity is the Royal Marine’s own charity that enables the Corps family to overcome their challenges, to ensure that no-one is left behind and the speeches and emotional video blogs were a stark reminder that life is hard for many.

The evening was hosted by Charity Ambassador, radio and TV presenter Paddy O’Connell Speeches and MC Phil Gilby did a great job of keeping things rolling. The evening is a huge fundraiser for the charity and the talks and video blogs highlighted the fact that it’s not just the serving personnel and veterans whose lives are influenced by their time in the Armed Forces, military service can affect the entire family. I know this because the Charity supported us when Simon was ill… they provided financial support that enabled us to buy a freezer for all the meals that people were kindly making for us during Simon’s brutal chemotherapy, they organised a respite break which created fond memories at a tragic time when the world thought he was in remission (but we sadly knew better) and they helped fund the girls school fees for a couple of terms at the end of Simon’s life. It was his last wish to settle his children into a specific school in his lifetime. He knew that he had provided for us financially on his death but in his lifetime we struggled to afford to do the things he wanted to set up his legacy to our children. Since Simon’s death, the biggest gift from the charity has been to connect me back into a community that was so intimately interwoven with our family.

Looking past the glitz and glamour of an incredible night, the power of the Royal Marine family is in the way they look out for each other… my lasting memories of the night are the batch mate who came to find me in the reception to make sure I was ok, the true gentleman who walked me into the event so I didn’t have to face the overwhelming loneliness within the hundreds of people and the officer who booked and paid for a cab to take me safely back to my hotel… that night I felt as though I had a “bootneck hug”. It was an honour to feel that these inspirational guys were truly watching my back. It is a privilege to be part of the military family and a Trustee of the charity… The Royal Marines were so important to my late husband and it makes my heart sing to still be part of their family network. We were entertained during the live auction by the Bargain Hunt auctioneer Charles Hanson as generous guests bid on prizes which varied from a 30-minute Spitfire flight over the English Channel to amphibious and sniper experiences with Commando units, a Special Forces dinner, a bespoke Globe & Laurel motorcyle re-gifted to be auctioned to a new owner for a second year and a Royal Marine Norway experience. It seems strange that the military experiences are the kind of things my husband did as his day job but which money can’t buy for us civilians… other than at events like this!

Opening of the Field of Remembrance, Westminster

A fitful night’s sleep made me realise that perhaps I had drunk more alcohol than I thought at the dinner, not helped by the strong nightcap I was given when we returned to the hotel! But, determined to push on with the busy schedule, I got up, showered and headed to see a friend before the second big emotional part of the London trip. After leaving my bags at my mate’s house, and fuelled by coffee and a cinnamon bun, I headed back down into the depths of the smelly underground towards Westminster. As I emerged into the crisp cool autumn air, the sight of Big Ben greeted me, silhouetted against a blue sky which was scattered with a few fluffy white clouds. Crossing over busy streets, I walked briskly round to join the end of a queue of people in a mix of civilian respectful black clothes and decorated military uniform, all of whom were waiting to be processed through the police security checks at the West Gate of Westminster Abbey. There were a number of impressive racks of service medals, berets from all sorts of different regiments, and lots of red poppies. Having not been prepared for this amazing opportunity, I was thankful to be able to purchase a little cross and to be able to borrow a pen to write my husband’s rank and name just below the poppy painted onto the wood.

The glamourous chair of the Royal Navy and Royal Marines Widows Association, suitably dressed all in black with a beautiful black hat, greeted me over the barriers whilst I was still queuing, she gave me a second poppy cross, together with my ticket and told me where our designated area was. After walking through the metal detector and being admitted into the Field of Remembrance, I proceeded through the crowds to the plot assigned to the single service war widows. I figured we had a good spot at the corner by the North Gate when I noticed all the paparazzi reporters with huge lenses attached to their cameras. Spot on time, Her Majesty The Queen arrived half an hour later. A few prayers were said for those who have made the ultimate sacrifice. The Queen laid her personal Cross of Remembrance just before the Last Post was sounded by a bugler from the band of the Irish Guards who was stood high up on the roof of St Margaret’s Church. After the exhortation to Remembrance said by the President of the Poppy Factory, the two-minute silence fell at 11am, followed by the buoyant Reveille. Her Majesty did a walk around all the plots to reviewing over 300 various military associations and other organisations, chatting to various military personnel and veterans and shaking hands on her way round.

With the ongoing conflicts in Ukraine and the Middle East, it felt especially poignant to acknowledge the sacrifices made by those who serve in a moment of collective and individual reflection. Once the Queen left by the same gate next to us at the Northern edge of the Field of Remembrance, the crowds quickly thinned and I took my own solitary wander to place the two wooden crosses with Simon’s name and rank… I put one within the Single Service Widowed Associations plot and one within the Royal Marine plot. I reflected that planting these little crossed into the damp earth was my mark of respect both for him and on his behalf for his fallen comrades. I took a moment to admire the painstaking work and attention to detail in the large display wreaths recently cleaned by the signwriters at Wadwaorth Brewery. As the Poppy volunteers packed up chairs, I wandered around the plots with hundreds of wooden crosses and wreaths, my thoughts as ever were with all those who have lost a military friend or family member in service, whether on operations or tragically through suicide, accident or illness.

Being reminded of so much death and sacrifice, it dawned on me that so often in this commercial world we push on with our busy lives and we don’t stop to appreciate the fact that sometimes the best things in life are free: hugs, smiles, friends, family, sleep, love laughter and good memories. On the train on the way home I read a quote on Instagram which stated that on this road called life we have to “take the good with the bad, smile with the sad, love what we’ve got, remember what we had, always forgive, never forget and learn from our mistakes”. The short trip to London illustrated how life is a series of waves… sometimes we’re on an high, sometimes we hit a painful loss, but happiness is all about how we ride those moments. My next stop was Monument for a SOLLA Advisory Board meeting where I was miraculously early enough to hit pause, walk down to the river and enjoy the light reflecting on the Thames as I looked across to the Shard on the opposite bank of the sparkling water. It was an important reminder to enjoy the little things. As soon as the meeting was over, I bid my goodbyes, collected my bags and a rushed to catch my train home for a rest. A more low-key and personal, but equally important, Remembrance weekend awaited me back in Somerset with my family where I annually attend a Sunday service at the church where Simon used to parade in the community in his uniform, alongside our girls in their Rainbow and Brownies uniforms. It is followed by a trip to see him in the little Devon churchyard near our old family home.

In the meantime, anyone can plant a poppy in memory of a loved one in the Field of Remembrance… it is organised by The Poppy Factory and all proceeds are donated to The Royal British Legion’s Poppy Appeal. If you are in London between now and 19th November 2023, members of the public can visit the Field of Remembrance to pay their respects to the fallen.

Remembrance is a difficult time for many, but wearing a poppy shows that you care.